I feel lost...

My husband and I had plans for our lives. So far not a single one has worked they way we had planned. When we got married we were suppose to move to Virgina, he was to become a Conservation Officer, and then I was to figure out my career. Ahh then the train wreck happened.

We'd get married and be a happy couple for a few years. Then think about children. 6 weeks into our marriage.. Yep.. here comes Makennah! (Like I've said before.. I'd never change that!)

So new plans.. he came home from the deployment. We'd live in this tiny apartment for a short while longer. Then we find out there is a hiring process going on for Conservation Officers in Indiana. So we decide we'll live here till that process is over. He was getting pretty far in the process.. only to be knocked out in April. Once again.. we start with new plans.

At that point he was working a pretty decent job so we start making new plans to move. Next thing I know.. he gets laid off. And week later.. here comes Madeline! (Surprise!)

I should say this.. the other day i realized I couldn't be happier about Patrick being off work for so long. At the time I thought it was horrible. But this is how I see it now.. He left for Afghanistan when I was six weeks pregnant the first time. He missed everything. Never went to a doctors appointment or anything. He even missed her birth. Since he was out of work for so long with this pregnancy he didn't miss a single appointment. He was there for every second of it. Soo there was some good out of the lay off :)

And now here we are.. finally Patrick has a job he enjoys but does not want to stay at. One that will pay the bills.

But why do I feel so lost? I look around at apartments here and I get a horrible feeling in my stomach every time. I don't want to be in this town. Its a blessing to have your family so close but lets face it.. sometimes its just way to much. I love my family but I'm ready to be our own family. I'm ready to explore new places.. see new things. Show my kids there is more to life than Indiana.. (seriously I'm so glad its fall.. corn fields are going away for another year lol)

But at this rate.. its hard to save money to get anywhere.

I also feel lost as a person. I'm the wife and the mother of our family. I'm not the career woman I thought I'd be. ( well at least I thought I'd be a working chica!) When talking to people I always hear.. "How's Patrick? His Job? Deployments in the near future? (well something army)" then it goes onto "Hows the kids?. Hows makennah doing with her little sister?" yadda yadda.. normal questions parents hear. Then that's it... I know its weird and it may sound selfish but I don't remember the last time somebody asked how I was doing!

So I'd love to be able to find a job.. find something to get into for myself. I want a life of my own. And that's another problem.. I then start to feel guilty. A life of my own.. as if my family isn't good enough! I love being a mother and I wouldn't change a minute of it. (ok maybe the day where I was sitting on my bed very pregnant holding a towel for makennah to puke in while she is sitting on my lap with one hand and holding another towel in my other hand for me to puke into at the same time lol) I love being a wife. I love my husband and couldn't dream of a better person to spend my life with.

I just feel like I've always wrapped my life around my husband. And now my girls. His life has always come first.. and that's not a bad thing. His careers just take forever to get started!! (months and months of hiring processes) And then once you do get hired.. they tell you where to go! I've lost count how many we've started.. Its not a bad thing. Its a hard jobs to get into. There are guys out there working right now who went through the process three times before getting the job. Its normal.. Sucks but that's how it is.

And then I get scared. I start looking around at jobs and realize.. who wants me? I haven't worked since college. At that point I thought child care/ early ed was the way to go so all I've done is work at day cares. I have no skills.. So that freaks me out.

Then I start thinking... What in the world would I do if something happens and I have to provide for my family!!

I already know I'm going back to school... its just figuring out what for.

I think my biggest problem right now... I'm so lost because I have no idea what i want out of life. I have a wonderful husband.. I have two beautiful girls. Now.. what do I want!


Ahhh just somebody get me out of Indiana... Please :)