I love you oh so well, like a kid loves candy and fresh snow!

Patrick has been gone since Monday. Even though its only Thursday and I seen him last night for dinner. I feel like he has been gone forever. I actually cried last night before he left. (not the whole crying like a baby thing just tears when he got out of my car) Pretty early on for me to start crying.. but like I said. It feels like he has been gone a long time.

Training seems to be going really well. He is really getting to know the guys. The one guy I didn't think he'd get along with he actually gets along with the best. So that makes me feel better. I worry about those things. I checked out the new truck he'll be TC of. I'm pretty excited. Its huge and for some reason it just came off as really safe! lol I thought he'd be in a humvee but not this deployment :)

He told me today he has all of his legal stuff done. The one thing I am grumpy about is the fact they have messed up his pay twice! Which means we won't be getting any pay till right before Christmas! just ridiculous but what can I do?!

Were counting down the days to his holiday pass. I'm so excited for Christmas this year.

Dec 29th were having a little get together/dinner. He wanted to see as many people as possible so this was the easiest way. This way we have more family time on his leave :) Now i just need to figure out what to fix!

Thats when I feel like a Mama..

I seriously feel more like a mom at really strange times than I do for the rest of the day.. Of course I realize I'm a mom every morning as soon as I wake up. If i wasn't a mom I'd sleep in much much later so when my kid is yelling "Mama I'm awake! Get up!!" I know I'm a mother.. but its random times that I look at my life and realize.. Wow you have kids, Jenn! lol

You'd think going through an entire pregnancy and then labor would make me realize I'm now a mother. But not me.. Makennah was six days old when that fact finally hit me. I was sitting in the doctors office all by myself holding this tiny person. Who is all content laying on my chest curled up tightly. And the song "Let them be Little" came on the radio. And thats when it hit me. My life would never be the same after that moment. So i set there crying like a baby till the doctor came in. She must have thought I was a nutcase!

Then theres the moments where I carry a sleeping two year old from the car and tuck her into bed. And all the way from the car to her bed I keep thinking "Wow, this is what real parents do" As if I was not a "real parent" the rest of the day.

Patrick and I took just Makennah to the grocery store with us the other day. She held my hand and then asked her daddy to hold her other hand. So the three of us walked into the store together with her in the middle. When I looked at him I got that butterfly feeling like.. Wow I can't believe this man loves me and we have this beautiful child together! And once again.. I felt like a real mama!

I don't know why moments as simple as carrying a sleeping child to bed would make me feel even more like a mom than I already do but I love those moments.

Here we go again...

So we told Patrick's family tonight so I'm pretty sure its safe to write this here. I don't think any of my family reads this or even knows its here! lol

Once again Patrick is being deployed. This time however its not a train wreck thats messing up our lives. At least this time we sorta "planned" it. This time I at least have some time to think it over.. and Guess what! I hate it!

Next time give me two weeks and then take him! that sounds evil it really does but its soo much easier. All this sitting around and waiting for things to get started is really bugging me. It feels like the summer they were training for Afghanistan all over again. You get to the point of wanting them to leave. Once the deployment is started it will end faster.. waiting for it to start makes the end even further away. Make sense? lol

Ever since Patrick and I became parents I've dreaded the day I'd have to explain to my children that their daddy is leaving for a deployment. Its been something I've cried over since Makennah was just a tiny baby. (I'm not a baby about this sort of stuff.. just once and awhile something will trigger the thought) And now that its happening I'm not sure I'm ready for it!

If I had a million dollars..

I'd buy you a monkey! Haven't you always wanted a monKEY!

The song cracks me up. But it is nice to once and awhile think about having a million dollars. But its not so nice to think about what some people would do with it.

I've seen those shows where people who have nothing all of a sudden come into money from winning the lottery. I swear I'd like to smack some of those people. You've come from nothing so you'd think you'd want to help others who still have nothing. But no you fill your house with worthless items. One house was so full of junk that it was tacky. Buying items not because they liked them but because they could. Items that were priced so high it could have easily fed the poor people in the community for days/weeks. They buy huge houses you could get lost in. And whats the point? Your children stay in their rooms all day long playing with their video games and exspensive toys that you never have real family time.

If I ever won money- I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'd probably never spend it. Pay off my bills. Pay off my mom's and Patrick's parents bills.. Buy a little house (one i would have typically bought) and maybe a truck for my husband. (knowing him he'd just want his ranger fixed up lol)

Ahh who knows what I'd actually do. You have to play the lottery to win the lottery... so its not like that is going to happen anytime soon :)

Disney World!

We've decide to take a family trip next year to Disney World. We want to go either the last week of Nov (if drill dates are the first weekend of Dec) or we'd like to go the first week of Dec. So far I know for sure were going and my mom is going. I'm hoping Patrick's family will go with us as well. But we shall see!

So I've been checking out the websites and the DVD i ordered. (Oh yes a year in advance.. I just get so excited)

Now Makennah ask to see Mickey Mouse so we either check out the books or the website. She was excited about the idea of a vacation to Disney world and all she talked about is riding dumbo. Then we asked her if she wanted to talk to Mickey... "OOh no! Mickey Scaaaarrreeesss me" (while doing her scared voice and sign language for scared) lol poor thing doesn't like characters (the people dressed up as them who walk around or whatever) . Some trip it might turn out to be lol

I'm just looking forward to all the Christmas excitement! I love Christmas. Everything about it. And I am just excited about all the lights and decorations they'll have!!

And check out how cool this is...
http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/wdw/entertainment/entertainmentDetail?id=BibbidiBobbidiBoutiqueEntertainmentPage



Ooh and side note- About my last post.. it was just a down day. I'm feeling better now. I am sure I'll get things figured out the rest of the way :)

I feel lost...

My husband and I had plans for our lives. So far not a single one has worked they way we had planned. When we got married we were suppose to move to Virgina, he was to become a Conservation Officer, and then I was to figure out my career. Ahh then the train wreck happened.

We'd get married and be a happy couple for a few years. Then think about children. 6 weeks into our marriage.. Yep.. here comes Makennah! (Like I've said before.. I'd never change that!)

So new plans.. he came home from the deployment. We'd live in this tiny apartment for a short while longer. Then we find out there is a hiring process going on for Conservation Officers in Indiana. So we decide we'll live here till that process is over. He was getting pretty far in the process.. only to be knocked out in April. Once again.. we start with new plans.

At that point he was working a pretty decent job so we start making new plans to move. Next thing I know.. he gets laid off. And week later.. here comes Madeline! (Surprise!)

I should say this.. the other day i realized I couldn't be happier about Patrick being off work for so long. At the time I thought it was horrible. But this is how I see it now.. He left for Afghanistan when I was six weeks pregnant the first time. He missed everything. Never went to a doctors appointment or anything. He even missed her birth. Since he was out of work for so long with this pregnancy he didn't miss a single appointment. He was there for every second of it. Soo there was some good out of the lay off :)

And now here we are.. finally Patrick has a job he enjoys but does not want to stay at. One that will pay the bills.

But why do I feel so lost? I look around at apartments here and I get a horrible feeling in my stomach every time. I don't want to be in this town. Its a blessing to have your family so close but lets face it.. sometimes its just way to much. I love my family but I'm ready to be our own family. I'm ready to explore new places.. see new things. Show my kids there is more to life than Indiana.. (seriously I'm so glad its fall.. corn fields are going away for another year lol)

But at this rate.. its hard to save money to get anywhere.

I also feel lost as a person. I'm the wife and the mother of our family. I'm not the career woman I thought I'd be. ( well at least I thought I'd be a working chica!) When talking to people I always hear.. "How's Patrick? His Job? Deployments in the near future? (well something army)" then it goes onto "Hows the kids?. Hows makennah doing with her little sister?" yadda yadda.. normal questions parents hear. Then that's it... I know its weird and it may sound selfish but I don't remember the last time somebody asked how I was doing!

So I'd love to be able to find a job.. find something to get into for myself. I want a life of my own. And that's another problem.. I then start to feel guilty. A life of my own.. as if my family isn't good enough! I love being a mother and I wouldn't change a minute of it. (ok maybe the day where I was sitting on my bed very pregnant holding a towel for makennah to puke in while she is sitting on my lap with one hand and holding another towel in my other hand for me to puke into at the same time lol) I love being a wife. I love my husband and couldn't dream of a better person to spend my life with.

I just feel like I've always wrapped my life around my husband. And now my girls. His life has always come first.. and that's not a bad thing. His careers just take forever to get started!! (months and months of hiring processes) And then once you do get hired.. they tell you where to go! I've lost count how many we've started.. Its not a bad thing. Its a hard jobs to get into. There are guys out there working right now who went through the process three times before getting the job. Its normal.. Sucks but that's how it is.

And then I get scared. I start looking around at jobs and realize.. who wants me? I haven't worked since college. At that point I thought child care/ early ed was the way to go so all I've done is work at day cares. I have no skills.. So that freaks me out.

Then I start thinking... What in the world would I do if something happens and I have to provide for my family!!

I already know I'm going back to school... its just figuring out what for.

I think my biggest problem right now... I'm so lost because I have no idea what i want out of life. I have a wonderful husband.. I have two beautiful girls. Now.. what do I want!


Ahhh just somebody get me out of Indiana... Please :)

Best Money Spent...

Since early August we've had this little critter living in our house. Her name is Gigi. Shes Makennah's build a bear. (She is actually a bunny) Makennah sold her stash of pacies to family and then we took her to the store to make a friend. After Gigi was stuffed Makennah placed her last paci inside the bunny! That day we picked out PJs and slippers so she'd be all ready to keep makennah company at bed time.

Now Makennah dances with Gigi, sings to her, reads her books, takes her places, fixes her meals, sleeps with her, and all kinds of stuff. We've even taken her to the store to get new clothes and to get an air bath. Who would have thought Gigi would have been such a big hit.

Today I couldn't help but laugh... Maddie was holding her paci out and Makennah thought she was trying to give it to her. So Makennah looks at her and says "No Sissy, I'm a big girl. Don't need paci. Mine is in Gigi's back" lol..

We also have to check out Gigi on her website.. So every couple of days Makennah ask to go online to see the build a bear site to see Gigi and her friends lol.

Wish I knew his name...

I can't keep up with celebrities.. I hardly know people's names. But last night i was flipping through channels. I stopped at one of the late night talk shows. There was a guy on there who was talking about the help he does for fire fighters. He was saying how impressed he was on how hard they worked for a job they love. He also talked about how little they get paid but a short stop player can be paid millions! I seriously wanted to reach out and hug that man. I have been bitching about that for months now lol.

This is what I don't understand.. We have firefighters, police officers, EMT, Marines, Airmen, Soldiers and on and on and on. All risking their lives daily for this country and the people in it. Yet when you look at their pay checks.. It is sometimes not enough to pay the bills and take care of a family! But.. you have a golf player making millions in a single year. A kid out of college signing to play baseball for 7.5 million. We have families who lost their loved ones because of their job.. hardly making ends meet. We have homeless in this country yet these people are making millions to play a game! Sure they are entertainment.. Sure we all love having the games around.. I enjoy some sports just as much as the next person (ok a lot less i admit lol) BUT i also enjoy the freedoms I have only given to me by the troops past and present. I enjoy knowing that I'm safer in my community because there are police officers out there. I like knowing if there is ever a fire in my house that I will have fire fighters there to help my family out.And think about it.. what would your price tag be if you were putting an amount on your life. How much would it take for you to leave your children every day to risk your life for this country? Or to risk your life saving others in a burning fire...


I hope that makes sense.. I just really like what that guy had to say.. Whoever he was :)

Aww she is so cute.. Then she screams!

So my littlest little one has decided she does not like people! I'm not sure whats going on with that but it just breaks my heart for someone (Mostly her poor Mamaw) to want to hold her only for her to scream a few seconds later. Its this really weird cry that she only does when someone shes not around very often talks to her. And she is so hard to calm down and typically I'm the only one who can get her to relax. Now I'm loving the fact she is a mamma's girl but that doesn't mean I want her to cry when others talk or hold her!

She never cries at home. Shes so happy and smiles all the time! So I just want to warn people sometimes... "Beware Of Baby. She is a screamer if she does not know you"

I'd like to start my day over.. Please!

I just want to go back to bed and wake up to a fresh new today and for today to not have happened. The day in my house started out horrible and its my fault.

Patrick washed and dried his clothes before bed last night. This morning when he went to get them out he found a pen had exploded in the dryer!! All of his work clothes!!

I could have been nice and helped him figure out what to do but what did I do? I got mean :( So at 5:30 this morning our house was a war zone. With two sleeping babies in the other room :(

For the life of me I can't figure out why I was so hurtful. Instead of realizing it was just a mistake I let the idea of having to go buy more clothes drive me crazy. Instead of paying extra on one of our bills we would have to take the money for clothes. Instead of enjoying ourselves this weekend at the zoo and things like we'd have to spend the extra cash on clothes. we've set home doing nothing for so long that sitting at home for another weekend made me lose it!

I've been so stressed about money, stupid family drama, this entire town, and life in general that I just exploded and took it out on my poor husband :( I can't imagine how he felt driving to work today. Nobody should have to start their day like that!

On a good note.. I did get a lot of the clothes to come clean. He'll be happy about that but you can't take back hurtful words. Once you spew them out there its something that could hurt for a long time. Forgiven or not they can't be forgotten. It wouldn't be so bad but this is the second time in the last two weeks I've been like that :(

I hate myself right now...

I have a new love...

My new phone arrived today. All pretty and shiney! Its the one and only Strawberry Chocolate!!!

I will sadly miss my other phone but it was way past time to retire the poor dino!! RIP my friend :(

The Train Wreck...

I've had a really relaxing day.. No kiddos for a few hours so I went shopping for a little bit. Then read a book at the book store (of course then I had to buy it since I didn't want to put it down lol) But now that I'm home in a quiet place I decided to write.. Not sure what about but hey I did start this to ramble!

Patrick was telling me a story of how one of his buddies told his wife about their deployment to Afghanistan. His wife thought something completely different was up and the whole thing turned out pretty funny to me. (Probably not so funny to her at the time, I'm sure she laughs now though) And it made me think back to our phone call or what I ended up calling that phone call.. "The Train Wreck"

Patrick and I had been in college and we were making plans to get married late in the summer (even though I had really wanted to get married April 24th) He was busy filling out applications to a job in Virgina. We figured might as well move while were young and enjoy it. We spent our money like crazy simply because we could. He had no clue how much money I made.. I had no clue how much money he made but we always shared in the spending for whoever had it! lol

One Monday we stayed home from school. He had a job interview. A summer job till hopefully he got the one in Virgina. After that guy offered him a job we went and looked at an apartment. One the guy said he'd hold for us for the last five weeks of school (Sweet!) Then we picked out wedding bands on the way back down to school. We got about half way there when his phone rang. It was a friend of his from his unit so I didn't think much of it till he pulled over in tears. Now we had joked several times while planning the wedding that we'd get it all worked out and he'd get deployed. I never imagined it'd really happen. So here we are on the side of a road and I'm dying to hear what his friend is telling him. I'm crying because I knew what was going on. Before he told me he made it to a gas station and that's where we made our phone calls. We first told them the good news. We'd be getting married in 12days so start planning a wedding. Then we had to explain why. For hours we set in our car either crying holding each other or crying on the phone to a family member or friend. Each one upset but ready to help us plan our wedding. After that car ride nothing has been the same for Patrick and I.

We got back down to school. Not willing to spend the night without each other we got a hotel room. Shortly before we fell asleep Patrick begged me not to cry anymore because it was killing him. That's when my first lesson as a future army wife was learned. I can't fall apart. Its to much of a distraction to him. I'm allowed moments but I should hold it together as much as I can for him. That's what I've done and will continue to do. The next day we set out on getting Patrick graduated from college.. three weeks early. The reason why things had to happen so quickly. They had to report to their armory 14 days after the phone call. That's right, just two weeks. Some notice!

Thankfully our college was great and Patrick was able to make up all the work he needed to to finish his degree. It took him three years to get a two year degree thanks to an earlier deployment so he wasn't about to give up. I helped him all I could. My grades slipped because I couldn't focus. I worked all the hours I could to get some money saved.

Back home our moms were busy getting a wedding around to happen on Saturday April 24th (The very original date we had picked out but had changed three times lol) When ever we got a chance we'd go buy the little details we wanted to pick out ourselves. The Saturday before I dragged my poor best friend home with me. She along with my cousins and our moms all went shopping with me to get what was needed. I say my poor friend because Angie had to put up with a lot from me for those two weeks. Looking back I wouldn't have wanted to live with me either. I'm high strung and stressed out on a normal day but give me two weeks to plan a wedding and say goodbye to my new husband.. I was probably a real bitch. But she was great and were still best friends!

Our wedding day came and went. It was all over so quickly. But it was beautiful. I couldn't have planned a better wedding if I was given more time. We all celebrated the wedding without a care in the world. I added a few touches to the wedding to let Patrick know we all supported him in his career but the wedding was truly just about us.

Sunday night I was drove back down to school by my mom and brother. I was lost and hardly went without a fight. Patrick stayed with his parents and reported for duty the next morning. Talk about a short honeymoon!

After that we spent one more weekend together and he was gone for six weeks. I wasn't aloud to see him. On his first 24 hour pass we got the greatest gift.. or should I say we created the greatest gift. Our first little girl was a result of the army finally letting my husband go for a night! hehe..

We never planned to have children so early on in our marriage. We always said we'd wait at least two or three years. But I can honestly say I wouldn't know what I would have done that year if it hadn't been for my little girl. While pregnant I told myself I had to stay strong. Stress on a baby is not good. So I kept myself as healthy and strong as I possibly could. After she was born I told myself that a newborn needs a strong parent. No falling apart because she needed me. Makennah saved me from myself. I'm forever thankful that I had her as my distraction for the year.

Song!

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless, like you’ve lost your fight
But you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright

‘Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
‘Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what you’re given before it’s gone
And start holdin’ on, keep holdin’ on

‘Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
‘Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place – yeah

Rascal Flats!

How do you explain?

So my husband is gone for his Annual Training with the Army. Two weeks. Doesn't seem like much but it has always killed me when he leaves. I hardly eat, hardly sleep, I get bored and whine... Then as quickly as he left he was home. Back to normal.

Now its not only hard on me but its harder on my kids. The baby doesn't understand of course but when you have a two year old.. How do you explain that daddy can't come home? Daddy didn't want to leave her but its his job. When shes laying in bed after prayers and she says in her tiny voice "Daddy come home please?" What do you say?

We started a little calendar that we check off each day that hes gone before bed. We then count the days till he gets to come home. But how do you explain 11 days? Shes learning what two minutes means thanks to time out but 11 days is hard for a child.

Also how do you explain what his job really is? She sees guys in uniform on the TV and gets excited that "Daddy" is on the TV... She sees me talking to a soldier in uniform and runs up thinking its daddy only to be freaked out when he looks down and its not him LOL (Yes I know I should not laugh at my kid, but it was cute when it happened.) So past the uniform.. how do you explain it? His civilian job is easy.. but the army? Not so much!

We ask God to keep our troops safe each night at the end of our prayers. I tell both girls that daddy's job is amazing. That its something were all proud of. Daddy is away because he is training to help other people. We look at pictures of daddy and talk about him all the time. We color him pictures and make him cards.

Deep down I know its only two weeks. Two weeks is nothing compared to the time we've been apart. Till AT starts we typically joke its our "vacation" from each other. But my kids don't want/need a vacation from their daddy.. and I question if I'm doing enough for them?!

Would I change our military lifestyle? Never! Patrick is an amazing soldier. The US Army is lucky to have him (hehe.. at least I think so) and it needs more men like him. Being a soldier is who he is. He wouldn't be the same without it. I am proud being an Army wife (Kudos to the wives who do it full time).. As an outsider I can see why you think I'm crazy. Outside of being an amazing father nothing makes me prouder of my husband than his military career. I some day hope that my girls feel the same way..

Come Waste Your Time With Me...

I have two sleeping kiddos. So I find myself wondering what I should do with my time? Vacuum the living room since I've put it off all morning? Nah. Wash Patrick's uniform? Probably not. (It would be the very first time in our five years together that I'd even touch his uniforms to clean them. Hes always said that's his job. Fine by me. But this week has been extra busy for him. Working, studying for his spur ride, extra PT.. so I thought I'd be nice) I could put the girl's clothes away.. It would be get done quicker than having a two year old helping when she wakes up! But as you can see.. none of that's going to get done. I'm sitting on the computer wasting some time.

Five years! Patrick and I have been together five years. Nobody thought we'd ever date let alone date for a year, be engaged for a year, and married for three years. With two children. He can still walk into a room and I ask myself how I got so lucky. What is it that I did to deserve him in my life? The other day in the car a Garth Brooks song came on the radio. And we found ourselves laughing like we did on the way down to school. Those late night drives we both hated so to keep ourselves awake we would sing Garth Brooks as loud as we could. Good times. But after he turned the radio way down.. and I knew something was up. Its his way of saying "Its time to talk" or "I've got something important to say" We had a big heart to heart about our near future and all the things that are about to take place. It felt good to get some things out in the open and to really realize that were going to make it through it all. i sometimes miss the days where it was just him and I. The days where we could have the music as loud as we wanted or talk as long as we wanted without a two year old in the back seat yelling at us to pay attention to her. We need more date nights... More us time.

My little girl had her first program last night. It was amazingly cute! This was her first year of VBS. (She got lucky.. she got to sneak in with the 3 and 4 year olds since she was potty trained) And I couldn't help but think she was the most amazing child in the whole room. Watching her clap, dance, and jump around with the other kids made her look so much older. I thought she was the cutest one up there and could hardly take my eyes off of her to watch the other kids. I know I know most parents think that about their kids. I'm sure the other moms thought their kid was the cutest of them all.. but I know the truth. It was my kid :) lol

Lincoln Highway!

Patrick and I have always talked about a big road trip. The kind where you stop at cheezy B&Bs, eat at mom and pop diners (they have the best foods), go from state to state taking our pictures by each state and city sign(just to prove we were there), buying goofy things along the way, and seeing all the sites that are not typically tourist attractions. Taking turns driving, relaxing while reading a good book, and crazy road games. Meeting new people along the way in small town USA! We've taken "Mini spur of the moment road trips" but nothing like this before.

Today I found our dream road trip! Today is the first day of making plans. Can't say for sure when we'll be able to make it but I will start saving money for it.

I was reading the Rachael Ray Magazine (because I like to think I can cook lol) and there was an interesting article on road trips. 10 different ones. I start reading and see one goes from Coast to Coast... what makes it so great? Its all on one road and that road just so happens to go through Good Ol Fort Wayne. Not far from where I live so our adventures could start so very close to home.

Lincoln Highway.. From Coast to Coast- New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Nevada, and California!

Going Wednesday to pick up the book the article was based off of. Like I said not sure when we will make it but we will make the trip someday!!

All New

So I got inspired by a friend of mines blog to start my own. (I adore her, Hope she doesn't mind I stole her idea) I don't have an exciting life, no amazing stories to tell, no adventures to speak of, but I do enjoy to ramble. So if you're reading this I hope you enjoy!